The Gift

As I hold you in my arms at 3 am, I stare in to the night, feeling exhausted and wandering how long I can hold on. I think of the weeks of missed sleep, the days that merge in to the other, the blurred margins between nights and days. I wonder how the six weeks passed me by…

Then you wriggle a bit in my arms, pausing for a breath between the sips of milk that connects the two of us together. With that, you bring me back to the present, this moment, sans the exhaustion of the past few weeks, the anxieties of the months to come, but this amazing glorious moment. The moment where I hold this warm fuzzy bundle in my arms, securely nuzzling at my bosom with no care of the world. You bring me back to the miracle that you are, the whole person who I will get to know in the years to come. Yes, you are a tiny package that has many covers, which I will unwrap each day. I long to see the person you become, the personality that will blossom, my son..

Long are the nights when I drag myself from a deep slumber to offer one of the many feeds for the night. Long are the hours when I lie awake next to you wondering when you will wake up again. Long are the minutes when I feel the aching pain of my side, dreading to turn fearing that creaking of the bed will wake you up. But it’s no comparison to the longing of my heart to hear you call me ‘Amma’, to hold you when you run to my open arms and take you to the beach for a walk (or in your case, a run, rather!). They say the nights are long and years are short, but I wish the years were shorter.

Yes, I miss the unrestricted hours of sleep, long warm showers and quiet moments with a good book and a cup of coffee . 

You squirm a bit in your sleep, smile the sweetest smile with the angels in your dreams, making me count the little blessings that tie my life with you.. The blessings that go unnoticed. Your grandparents, your father, a cozy home for the two of us, all the help I can get to raise you to be the man you will become. You remind me that I am blessed with you and cautions me not to take this for granted, because you are nothing but the miracle, the meaning of my life I’ve been looking for all these years. I never knew that it could come in a tiny warm package that will occupy the largest portion of the person who I am.

I used to wonder when they spoke of ‘gift that keeps on giving'.. now I know.